Things Plague Knight is No Longer Allowed to Do
by SentientMattress
Summary: Plague Knight returns to the Explodatorium to find that the rest of the Order have a bit of a bone to pick with him... Little comedy short set during Plague of Shadows, inspired by Skippy's List and other such fics.


Two essences down, so many more to go… Plague Knight hummed to himself as he made his way back to his Explodatorium, nestled in the mountains. His little personal quest had been successful thus far, if a little bumpy, and he was confident that the end product would be every bit as powerful as he'd imagined, if not more so.

He'd seen very little of the Explodatorium which he called home since starting work on the Potion with Mona, and was just about ready to kick back a little… Until, that is, something brought him out of his thoughts. Just as he was aboutt to enter he heard the THUD of an arrow striking the heavy wooden door to the converted castle.

Flinching a little, the masked scientist drew out a bottle, ready to blow the breeches off whomsoever thought themselves so daring as to attack him this close to his home base. But he cursed inwardly when he saw one of Specter Knight's Boneclang archers disappearing over a hill far out of his reach. Sighing, he turned to the arrow, which he only now noticed had a very large, thick roll of parchment attached. If Specter Knight wanted to send him a message, Plague Knight wondered, then why not tell him before trying to slash him to death with that great big scythe of his?

Sighing, the diminutive Knight removed the arrow and unfurled the letter, reading it idly as he made his way into the Explodatorium…

"Plague Knight.

You have pulled many a stunt in your time, and if we're to be brutally honest, we have had quite enough of some of your antics as of late. There are many words we would wish to call you, but we prefer to do so in person.

In light of some of the more outlandish "experiments" you've been pulling off as of late, we have drawn up a non-exhaustive list of ground rules which we are imposing against you effective immediately. This is not only for our own benefit, but for your own good. Your position in the Order of No Quarter is on thin ice as it is, so we hope that you take this list to heart from now on.

Sincerely,

Specter Knight  
King Knight  
Treasure Knight  
Mole Knight  
Tinker Knight  
Polar Knight  
Propeller Knight"

Plague Knight allowed himself a chuckle. Inwardly he found it somewhat hilarious that he had managed to irritate the entire Order so much that they had gone to the trouble of penning a list for him. Nevertheless, he gave the rest of the letter a glance…

"1. Plague Knight may only allow anyone to try on his mask if he has not put chloroform in it beforehand.

2\. King Knight's scepter is not an expensive ladle.

3\. No using King Knight's scepter as a ladle. Even if Plague Knight says he let him.

4\. No longer allowed to peek at the Enchantress while she's changing.

5\. No longer allowed to peek at Specter Knight while he's changing.

6\. If Plague Knight peeked at Mona while she was changing, nobody wants to know.

7\. Even if you say you won't do it again because you developed a potion that gives you photographic memory. That makes it worse.

8\. No developing potions that give you a photographic memory solely for the purpose of voyeurism.

9\. The walls of the Tower of Fate are not a good place to test bombs, even if they are small ones.

10\. Neither is the interior of the Iron Whale.

11\. Plague Knight's definition of a "small bomb" is not the same as everyone else's.

12\. The Order is not seeking new members, especially Baz.

13\. Luring Reize to the Tower is not a good idea. We all know what happened last time.

14\. Mentioning Reize while Specter Knight is in the room is not a good idea. _We all know what happened last time._

15\. There are no secret entrances to the Tower of Fate hidden under people's houses.

16\. No trying to feed Troupple Ichor to the dragons in the Plains of Passage.

17\. Specter Knight is not interested in "under the table" Leech Liquid.

18\. No drugging Propeller Knight and using him as a ceiling fan.

19\. No using Propeller Knight as any kind of fan in any circumstances.

20\. Polar Knight is not to be ridden.

21\. No trying to "hook up" Mole Knight with the Alchemeister.

22\. Being mindful of what happened when Plague Knight let several Beetos loose in the Enchantress's room, he may not "have another go".

23\. Plague Knight may not do anything involving Ratsploders outside of the Explodatorium.

24\. Fairies are not to be sold to Polar Knight as a "manicure kit".

25\. No requisitioning Goldarmors just so you can play pool with them.

26\. No requisitioning Boneclangs just so you can play pool with any part of their bodies.

27\. Regardless of whether or not "Mona told [him] to do it", nobody will believe Plague Knight if he uses this as an excuse.

28\. Blorbs are not edible. Even if, and as a matter of fact especially, when on fire.

29\. Let's face it, your fan fictions about the rest of the Order are a waste of time and parchment. And frankly, some of them are downright frightening.

30\. Tinker Knight's title is Tinker Knight, not "Midget Knight"

31\. Nobody wants to see nude pictures of Manny _or_ Legion.

32\. That they have never been seen together is not evidence supporting the hypothesis that Propeller Knight and Phantom Striker are the same person.

33\. It was established long ago that Phantom Striker is unwilling to come to the Tower to prove this hypothesis.

34\. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specter Knight.

35\. Treasure Knight does not swim in his treasure pile in his spare time.

36\. No transmuting any of Tinker Knight's equipment.

37\. No transmuting any of King Knight's possessions. Even in the event that his crown turns out not to be real gold, it still belongs to him.

38\. Knights whose helmets obscure their heads are not automatically "suspected fish people"

39\. We have already tried to catch the Troupple King. For reasons Plague Knight knows all too well, we are not trying again.

40\. No putting lonely hearts columns out for Mole Knight claiming he's an "avid gardener".

41\. Beard growing potions are of no use to Specter Knight.

42\. No more throwing Tinker Knight's things across the room and telling him to "go long".

43\. Permission is to be sought before asking Oolong to play "Fighting with All of Our Might". Especially at dinner.

44\. It is also preferable if Plague Knight does not bring Oolong to dinner. No offence to him, but he's off-putting

45\. No, we are not kidnapping the Phantom Striker to use him as a lightning rod.

46\. As much as we would like Black Knight as one of us, it is not the best idea to try and recruit him with any sentence containing any combination the words "Enchantress", "Celebration", "Posterior" and "Troupple". In any case, we still aren't looking for new members.

47\. Memmecs may be cute, but not when there are multiple untrained ones in the same room. Especially if it's the dining hall.

48\. Treasure Knight is no longer willing to play poker, Joustus, blackjack or coin flipping with Plague Knight ever again.

49\. Bombs are not a musical instrument, no matter how many of them you use.

50\. We would much prefer not to have to deal with Shovel Knight too much. So please, please don't even try to get involved with him."

Before Plague Knight could think of any reactions, he was disturbed by the sounds of several things exploding. Things did not usually explode without him being there, especially not with this sort of ferocity… He hoped the Alchemeister hadn't left the place a complete wreck, what with his obsession with turning himself into a great big yeti-beast and all. He groaned as he saw one of his assistants looking panicked... This was not going to be a relaxing trip home.


End file.
